The One Who Got Away

Remember the one who got away?

The one whose smell still lingers in your faint memory, the one who makes you break into girly blushes every time you see him walking towards you, the one whom you wait all day by the phone for, the one who is always perfect in your eyes, the one whom you finally open your heart and love unconditionally.

Things don't always work out the way we wish. Sometimes it is a matter of meeting each other at the wrong time in your lives. Sometimes it is a unresolved misunderstanding. Sometimes it is circumstances in your lives that you do not have control over. Whatever the cause, the end came too soon. The pain is crushing, and you wonder if you ever recover from it.

But we all do. We all get over it someday. Time is the healer of all things, most things.

Then you fall in love again - with someone even better. He treats you exactly the way you always wished to be treated, he surprises you gifts and possesses a charming personality. All your friends and family loves him. But most of you, he adores you.

But you know you will never love like you did before. Your heart is not whole anymore. At the back of your mind, you wonder if you will ever have the capacity to love completely again? Will you ever have the courage to love recklessly like a teenager again?

Your heart is wary and weary.

You will always remember the one who got away. The one who comes to mind when you try to remember how love feels like. The one who taught you everything about love and pain. The one to whom you measure everyone who came after him.

The one who got away... got away. It is hard not to think about the what-ifs. You try your best to lock the bittersweet memories away. But one song, one smell, one word, one scene, can send you awash with the memories again. It is hard. It will be always hard from this point forth. But you just learn to live with the dull pain in your heart when you remember the past. You just try to lock up the memories again and go on.

"Sometimes it last in love

But sometimes it hurts instead"

- Someone Like You (by Adele)

p.s. This is a backdated entry that has been sitting in my Draft. Decided to publish it afterall. 

Keep Going

Things have been rough lately. Need a reminder to hang in there, and just keep going.

Some days, it does feel like this is hell and too much to bear. Is there a light at the end of this dark tunnel? Just gotta keep going, keep trudging on until you get somewhere. You will. Everyone does.

Stand Up

I have never been shy to speak up. I may have stepped on a few toes along the way, but I would not change a thing. What life is lived going with the flow, never raising an opinion, always being a crowd-pleaser?

Glad someone agrees with me.

Thirties Is The New Twenties

Thirties is the new twenties. Or so they said. I've always brush it off as the sort of patronising quote one uses to comfort themselves as they add another candle on the birthday cake. I'm turning 29 in July -- at the exact cross road of the roaring twenties and the fabulous thirties. One last year in the twenties, and one more year to the thirties. I admit I haven't quite accepted the fact that soon I'll be checking a different box for age range when filling application forms.

Being 29 and looking back at the last decade, I'm excited about entering the big 3-0! I am, I promise you. Here's why.

Beauty
There is life beyond the aesthetic side of life, you learnt.
Yes, there is little I can do to change my appearance now. I can't blame my wobbly arms on baby fats anymore. Neither do I want to eat only an apple all day just to lose just another pound so I can look thinner on prom night. At 29, my metabolism is slowing down. That's a fact. I've learnt to be comfortable in my own skin.

Wear Your Style
After more than a decade of trial-and-error, I know better how to wear my makeup to enhance my best features, and learn the kind of clothes that should never make it my wardrobe ever again.

Trends
No more following fashion trends blindly, just because Vogue or Lagerfeld commands so. I have no time or interest in being like everyone else on the street, wearing the latest feathers or brightest sequins. I know what works for my body, and what doesn't. Stay updated to trends, but also only pick up trends to adapt.

Fitting In
Goodbye please-let-me-fit-in. Your confidence is no longer based on how accepted you are by others.You are not afraid of not fitting in. You have three decades of life experience that teaches you that fitting in is nothing desirable.

No
You learn to say no to things that you don't agree on / bad for you / you don't want.

Peer Pressure
Peer pressure is childish and overrated. We've finally understood it and quit playing the game. Feel like curling up with a good read on a Saturday night instead of hitting the club with your partying mates? Buying one less It-bag than your bestie because you are saving that money to start an entrepreneurial business? You no longer feel guilty for not succumbing to what others would do.

Yummy or Mummy?
Partying on a Saturday night in that yummy short dress? Or dressing up your toddler and taking her for a play date alongside other mommies and their kids? You have the option. And either side of the decision is fun.

Discipline
I don't need horrible pictures of charred lungs on cigarette boxes to teach me smoking is bad for health. I love good fun but horrible binge drinking nights are days of the past. I have the discipline to do the best for my body, mind and soul. And I make the decision to be discipline.

Finer Taste
I appreciate the finer things in life more. Not to be showy to others, but simply celebrating life in grandeur. Be it owning a limited edition handmade watch, decking the apartment with designer furnitures, or purchasing collectible art pieces, only you know the true value of these indulgence. Finer taste in life is priceless, not learnt but earned through life experience.

Money
The days of climbing the corporate ladder in cheap shoes are over. A stable career established over the years of 20-something rewards us with holiday trips, regular spas and even exclusive jewellery pieces. Enjoy the disposable income now, before starting a family. Your little treats in life will then be channelled into the baby funds.

Relationships
Because you have failed at some relationships, you have also learnt much. You know what you want in a relationship, and what you would not tolerate. You may find that special someone soon. But you are also totally comfortable remaining status quo. The most important thing is, no more "trying too hard".

Friends
We stop "collecting friendships". We keep the precious few who never turn their back on us, who always understand us, who never fails to make time and effort for us. By the time you enter the third decade of your life, you would have already sieve out these inner circle friends.

Time
You still have time. For what? For everything!
To learn to drive, to bungee jump, to make a baby, to wear a bikini, to be a better daughter, to be reckless, to have faith, to relocate permanently, to date younger men, to dress like a 20s, 30s or even 40s, to inspire, to dance in the rain, to be sophisticated, to leave a legacy, to start a new career, to do ordinary things in extraordinary ways, to be fabulous, to believe in the impossibles! You are in the best years of your life! You have collected a lifetime of experience thus far, you have much to contribute in future. You are in the best period of life!

Thirties is the new twenties. I'm celebrating life.

Happy

Happiness is paramount in my life.
For you... if understands what it means to be truly happy too.

Uncertainty

I'm paralysed by uncertainties. The road ahead is long and treacherous. I'm burdened and lonely.


I need time out to recharge and rejuvenate. I need to restructure my battle plan.
I need to find myself again in these times of uncertainty.

Passion

I have a problem with mediocrity.
I have a problem with people who settle -- people who choose the safe, unadventurous, don't-ask-don't-know way of life. I have a problem with people who don't challenge their limits, who don't get out of their comfort zone, who settle for a mediocre lives. We have only ONE shot in life. Just one. So why don't do you something good with it? Within or beyond your capability, achieve something good that you can be proud of, leave a legacy, proved you have lived a good life.

I can't settle of ordariness. I can't be just-another-one-out-there. I can't do anything that does not bring me joy. In fact, I say I function on fun, on happiness, on passion, on love! Everything that I have done hitherto has made me happy. I have been passionate about everything I do.

In school, I love physics and mathematics. So I completed a Bachelor of Engineering degree, despite all the disbeliefs (yes, lots of it!) and hardwork that came with it. (But boy, it was really tough!) Then I decided that I love to travel. So I got me a job that pays me to travel.

So while most of my peers slogged away in their offices, caught in a intangible society-imposed rat race and wasting away the best years of our 20s, I was a happy traveller! Four good years of travelling and life experience! I saw a lot, learnt a lot, lived a lot. I was very very happy with life, very very in love with life, very very passionate about life.

Then I decided it was time to come home. I also knew that I wouldn't be happy being stuck in front of a computer 8 hours a day, exchanging my time for cash at the end of the month. I knew I wanted more. I wanted to challenge my threshold, my goals, my capability. So here I am, working for myself -- setting long and short term goals for myself, motivating my entrepreneurial soul, trudging forward slowly but surely. Some days I do feel beaten too. But when I think about being another souless person who-hates-her-job-but-must-do-it, I'm glad I dare to do the things I do. I dare to be different, be myself, be happy and passionate.

And I am happy. I have been happy with every decision I made in life. If I had to choose life all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. I'm serious. So pardon me if I despise people who have no passion in life. I have no tolerance for people who are "happy" just getting by. I hate boring people who don't do anything exciting in their lives. (Or on weekends. And weekdays. Oh heck, everyday!) I thrive on passion, on fun, on love, on happiness. How about you?

Are you happy to just get by? Are you a "one of them"? When you examine your life, have you done well? Have you been happy, passionate, lived well? Are you still hungry for life everyday?

We pass this life only once. One life, live it.

What is your passion in life?

'That's Her'

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat,
or will stay awake just to watch you sleep...
wait for the boy who kisses your forehead,
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats,
who holds your hand in front of his friends,
who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.
One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you....
The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'

This just took my breath away when I read it!

A sweet kiss on the forehead is the most endearing thing in the world! I love it! I always feel loved, protected, treasured.

'That's her', that's just impossibly incredibly sweet! Do boys like that even exist? Oh love, oh love, you are so complex as you are essential! I love to love. I love love.

Choose Happiness

2010. It's gonna be good year. I feel it. Bye bye, turbulent 2009. I had enough of sadness. This year, it will be Choose Happiness year! Just watch me, I'm gonna have fun, embrace happiness, reach the pinnacle of life!

I choose happiness.

Watched (500) Days of Summer this afternoon. It was highly recommended by a friend. And I say the same to you now. Watch it! It's good, it's surprisingly good! I didn't quite know what to expect from the movie when I watched it. But it struck a chord with me -- in so many scenes in the movie! The uncertainty in love, the blind belief in fate, the unsuspecting turn of events, the pains and despair life brings. I love love love this movie!

Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

This is my favourite scene in the movie. I woke up the other day, and I knew. I knew I was done with the dark period of my life. I'm choosing happiness. Now.


p.s. Believe me when I say I woke up hearing birds chirping and butterflies fluttering around make-believe daisies in my mind that morning! It's good to wake up happy, everyday.

Hopelessly Hopeful

I found a carefully laminated note on which I had printed some beautiful words many years ago. There is just something so hopelessly hopeful, or hopefully hopeless about this note. It struck a chord within me many years when I first read it. Yesterday, a decade later, the slightly-yellowish note still make me cry a little when I read it.

I never knew the title of this note. I couldn't find one when I google it (there was a grand total of 4 results when I searched!). I name it, Hopelessly Hopeful.

And this note is for myself. I need it. I need to know... that it is okay. I will be okay.

You say that your sky has been changing lately.
That you're tired and broken.
That the answers you thought you'd found don't seem to work anymore.

We've been down these sad roads a hundred times before,
sat quietly on lonely hillsides,
cried with forgotten songs on the radio.

Always it was our belief in other days that got us through.

I remember planting dreams with you,
chasing wishes and watching flowers.
But what I remember best is how you always made me laugh,
even when the world around us was falling apart.

All these years walking the solitary paths where I
found and lost myself a thousand times,
I never felt alone because you were in my memory.
You were there.
And I will always stand by you.

Go outside now
and walk away.
Find one of these roads again somewhere,
in the quiet shade of gentle trees.
Take this note and hug your shadow
and love yourself
and remember these things:

There is nothing in the world worth giving up
what you've already achieved.
You will always be a fighter and a dreamer.
Now more than ever,
you've got to look deep within your heart and
believe.

45 Life Lessons

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio.

“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written.”

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

Hope: Drug or Remedy

Was watching a re-run of Sex and the City yesterday. One can never get enough of this show! No matter what age group you belong to, no matter how many times you've watched the show, no matter which stage in life or what emotional state you are watching the show at, you'll always relate to one part of the show or other. You'll always find a "that's me!"-moment. You'll also be thankful there are millions and millions of women out there struggling with the same issues you've been so tortured with, and that your problem is not unique. And there are solutions to it. Even if there are none, take heart in knowing that some of us do really understand you. (Alright, unless you are a man.)

In the episode last night, Carrie Bradshaw asked this question:
Is hope a drug we need to go off of or is it keeping us alive?

This questiong has been going through my mind all day. Why do women torture ourselves with aching hopes, and then get ourselves crushed when hope drops us from the high? Are you not strong enough to go off the drug of hope, and rather be addicted to hope and risk your heart out there over and over again?

Or is hope the elixir of life that puts that dance in your step each day, making you more alive whenever you remember how all the risks and optimism may someday reap a good harvest? In the book of Corinthians in the bible, it says "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love." It is certainly a very important essence in life. What's a life if you can't/wont' even believe in hope anymore?

Is hope a drug we need to go off of or is it keeping us alive?

A Girl's Gotta Do What A Girl's Gotta Do

I went for Yoga class yesterday. And today. So it's not difficult to imagine how tight my muscles feel now. Any swift movement may snap one of those at the back of my thighs. Ouch. I dread the pain, yet I crave the ache. These achy feelings remind me that I had a good workout. (Or that I need to work out more? Oh well.)

Had a warm shower and made myself a nice quick dinner. Feeling so relaxed I feel like climbing into bed and have a good read before an early night. But my girlfriends just texted me to hang out tonight. After struggling back and forth, I've decided to head out. Trust me, it's not an easy decision to make when I'm already halfway into dreamland. But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Staying in and having a me-time can wait. Hanging out with the girls and exchanging information (read: gossiping) is priceless.

Isn't life like that too? Often in life, we have to make difficult decision. And we often choose the decision that's hard on ourselves. But this is part of the learning process. We always learn much more when we make tough choices. We always learn more about life and out of life when take the road less travelled. Today it may be going out versus staying in. Tomorrow it could be marrying the wrong man or walking away from a bad relationship (random example that came to my mind). Make wise decision, girlfriends. Do what a smart, sassy, independent girl would do in every decision battle.

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Hanging out with her girls gotta be quite high on the priority list. Cos few things beats a good girls' night out! Gotta run!

Present Tense

I've always loved poetry. I even took up an elective in American Literature in the university. That was when I was exposed to Robert Frost, Edgar Allen Poe, and Henry Wadsworth Longfellow and the likes. More than once I've had the goosebumps feelings when a certain poetry struck a chord in me. How could a few simple words put together be so beautiful, and meaningful?

This poem by Jason Lehman brought a little tear to my eyes when I read it this evening. It is tragically beautiful.

It was Spring.
But it was Summer I wanted,
The warm days,
And the great outdoors.

It was Summer.
But it was Fall I wanted,
The colorful leaves,
And the cool, dry air.

It was Fall.
But it was Winter I wanted,
The beautiful snow,
And the joy of the holiday season.

It was Winter.
But it was Spring I wanted,
The warmth,
And the blossoming of nature.

I was a child.
But it was adulthood I wanted,
The freedom,
And the respect.

I was twenty.
But it was thirty I wanted,
To be mature,
And sophisticated.

I was middle-aged.
But it was twenty I wanted,
The youth,
And the free spirit.

I was retired.
But it was middle-age I wanted,
The presence of mind,
Without limitations.

Then my life was over.
And I never got what I wanted.

~ Present Tense by Jason Lehman (1989) ~